


When Will I See You Again

by stormcloud_cos



Series: Sanders Sides Angst [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Dark Side, M/M, OC, Original Character - Freeform, Virgil Sanders is Paranoia, discorporation, which is basically like a temporary death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormcloud_cos/pseuds/stormcloud_cos
Summary: Based off a song + a drawing I did.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956703
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	When Will I See You Again

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Angst swearing, spoiler for the entirely of the Sanders Sides series

I heard the word “relaxed” and knew it was my time to appear. I popped into my usual spot at the staircase, greeting my host with a simple “hey.”

“WHAA-at the heck!?” Thomas all but shouted as he literally jumped backwards when he saw me. I, of course, couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be as snarky as possible, and sarcastically remarked, “Oh, I’m sorry, was I not wanted at this exact second?”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Thomas muttered, then addressed the camera I was unaware of. “Okay. Everyone, please welcome…” he made jazz hands toward me, “my anxiety.” He said this flatly, not even trying to hide his… disliking towards me. I fought back the urge to correct him. I was  _ Paranoia _ , but somehow my host didn’t know that. Whatever. Let him call me what he wants.

“‘Sup,” I smirked, leaning back and forgetting there was no real back to where I was sitting, and I fell. Luckily the camera turned to Thomas before all the viewers could have a chance to see me.

Thomas groaned. “I was just making a YouTube video, there is literally nothing to be anxious about!” he complained to me, as always.

Aren’t those the best times for me to show up?” I drawled, placing my face in my hands as I gave the most antagonistic smile I could muster. It was my place to be the antagonist. Prince had only secured that assumption about the others and me, titling us ‘dark sides’.

After the video that day, I went back to the Dark side of the Mindscape, back home. I greeted Remus and Janus, who were too busy making out on the couch to respond. That was fine. I didn’t care. I would just go back to my room and try to sleep, something that had been getting harder and harder these last few weeks that Remus and Janus had been together.. 

_ J and I used to be best friends, throughout all of Thomas's childhood. Cassius stayed in his room all the time, so it was just us.  _

_ Then, in Thomas’s second grade year, Morality had come through the door. He told us Creativity had split! Janus didn’t believe him at first, but I- being Paranoia- panicked. Soon, I wasn’t sure how, we ended up with the green Creativity. The one who ate boogers just to gross out all of us. The one who drew gory things in surprisingly good detail, and put on my walls to freak me out. The one who no one yelled at, no one blamed, because he was the youngest and ‘didn’t know better’. Janus seemed intent on befriending him, though, so I begrudgingly let him join our game nights, conversations, and eventually we became close.  _

_ Things definitely changed in Thomas’s late teen years, when Janus had asked me to be his boyfriend. I, having had a crush on him for over five years, said yes. How could I not?  _

_ It had been over six years since Jay and I started dating. Thomas was twenty-four and going through a mentally unstable time. This put even more stress on the Sides, especially us, who kept the bad things hidden from him. Kept them in the corners of the mind, where they belonged.  _

_ I guess the pressure was too much for Janus. He snapped at me after the Wall separating the Core sides from the others cracked, after I offered to help fix it. He told me… he told me to go Fade already. I sunk out, lip trembling, on the verge of crying. (And don’t make the “on the Virge” joke. Remus has made it enough times and I hate it.) _

Janus and I hadn’t gotten along since then. It had been a few years since the breakup, and we hadn’t been on good terms in a while. Remus was like neutral ground, someone that both of us could be friends with, without talking to each other, and still have someone.

That is, until he started dating the gross, green-wearing Side a month ago. That left me alone. Well, except for Cassius- Apathy- but he’s Apathy! He couldn’t care less!

I sobbed into my pillow, everything seeming like too much to me. Too much sadness, too much anger, too much confusion, too much too much  _ too much _ ...

-

About three weeks later, I decided to go pay Thomas a visit. I had been summoning food and water in my room, not having left since… well, since my crying fit, but it sounds pathetic when you call it that. I tuned in to what Thomas and the others were talking about. As soon as I did, all I could hear was chatter! The others were yelling at each other, getting increasingly louder as the seconds passed. I could feel Thomas getting more and more anxious, and I knew that I was going to summon me just by feeling this way.

“Well isn’t this nice,” I said flatly as I appeared on Thomas’s staircase. The other Sides all looked at me like I was crazy, or a monster.

After Thomas made his sarcastic remark, and me again holding back a correction that I was Paranoia- not Anxiety- Creativity was the next to speak. “What’re  _ you _ doing back here?” He asked, the disgust evident in his voice. Could a guy get any more snobby? I mean, seriously! He literally called himself a prince!

I, being me, glanced from Logic to Creativity and finally to Thomas, and giving him an unsettling glare, said, “All these thoughts and emotions in complete turmoil? How could I not show up?” I smirked as Morality shrunk back a bit, Prince just huffed, and Logic sighed frustratedly. He was really pissed, I thought as he practically sneered at me, “Unbelievable. This was supposed to be  _ my _ video-”

“Get over it, you’re the least popular character and you know it,” I said boredly. Okay, maybe I was a little too into my ‘antagonist’ role, but the Light Sides just pissed me off!

-

‘Approaching people is difficult.’ It was the day before Valentine's day, and I had only gone to the Dark commons to check on Cassius, who was seen out of his room even less than normal. I teleported there and back, being too lazy to walk and all. Aside from that, I hadn’t left my room aside from filming the Sanders Sides videos. Thomas had just said this, and I knew it was my time to appear.

“That’s an understatement,” I smirked as I popped into my place at the stairs.

“Oh, Anxiety, perfect.” Thomas, again, messed up my trait, and again, didn’t try to hide his disdain for me. “Well, that settles that, I’m not gonna approach anyone this year!”

“Now, don’t say that, it’s still possible!” Morality popped up, a goofy grin on his face as always.

I swallowed, knowing that this next remark was going to sit with him. “Morality, don’t  _ lie _ to him,” I drawled, studying the moral side’s reaction. His smile faltered a bit, knowing exactly what I was referring to. Morality had the same amount of distaste for Janus that I was starting to- although, to him it was still Deceit.

-

My day started to take a turn for the worse when I was explaining how useless searching for a partner was. I was playing up that antagonistic persona, partly because it annoyed the hell out of Prince, then Thomas said something I never expected.

“Huh… you… actually have a point.”  _ What?! _ Me, the cold, villainous Paranoia, was being  _ congratulated?! _

Thomas started praising me on how I put things into perspective better for him, how this actually helped, blah, blah. All I could manage to get out was, “I wasn’t trying to help..” and I don’t even think he heard that over his own chatter.

-

_ WHY. WHY DID I SAY THAT. _ Prince had come up with a new nickname for me, “Hot Topic” that I couldn’t help but flip on him. “Aw, you think I’m hot.” I must admit, it sounded better in my head.

-

My room was gone-

_ Wait. _

_ My room was gone _ . 

I checked both hallways, and there were no other places; where was it!? It couldn’t have just-- disappeared!

“I  _ wasn’t _ surprised it took you so long to notice,” Janus lied while lying on the couch. 

I was taken aback. “Wha- you knew my room was gone!? For how long?” I exclaimed. He told me a couple weeks at least.  _ I’m so stupid _ , I thought to myself. If I had come out of my room to at least see where it was, I could begin to try and fix this. “Wh-Where is it?” I asked, my voice getting smaller and smaller.

I wasn’t prepared for the answer I was given. “Oh, I would imagine that it would be with the Light Sides in their part of the Mindscape now,” he sighed, not even bothering to lie that time. He turned his attention away from me, and Remus poked his head up and hissed, “Traitor.”

Well, this wasn’t how I expected my day to go.

-

I didn’t know where to go. The Lights had most likely seen my black door in their house, which would be why they were all so hostile towards me in the last video. Of course, I could go to my room, but that meant having to walk through to Light Side house now that I was aware of the new location.  _ No. _

But it was the last place I could go.

-

“Wha-aat?” I questioned, confused. Thomas had called me intentionally? That was new.

“It’s a Q&A, and you were asked a question. Are you the same for everybody?” He was addressing me in an even more cheerful manner than last time.. That was also new.

“What do you mean, am I the same for everybody. I’m Thomas’s Anxiety. Everyone’s works differently.”  _ Wha-  _ When had I started referring to myself as Anxiety? I guess it was the name that everyone had been calling me for the past month and a half, since I officially ‘moved in’ with the Light Sides.

I was getting used to the name, and sometimes I felt more like Anxiety than Paranoia. 

That scared me.

Thomas’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “Yeah. Mine is just a little…” he glanced over at me, “heightened.”

“Exactly. Can I go now?” I was anxious to get out of there. Thomas was acting differently..

“Naah, stick around a bit.”  _ What. Is. Going. On!? _

-

I’d been living with the Light Sides for three months, and it actually wasn’t so bad. Morality- Patton- was warming up to me, and the others… tolerated me. It wasn’t so different from when I was still with the Darks. Except here was… different? It felt more…  _ close _ , I decided.

Then came the Becoming a Cartoon video. 

It was off to a rocky start already when I made the mistake of saying, “Okay, make  _ me _ the antagonist.” I felt a pang of regret when I said that, because I knew what was coming.

“Okay, I will,” Roman said, mocking my flat tone. Since I had moved in with them, he intentionally made my life hell, maybe thinking that I would move back with the others- I refused to call them Dark Sides- if he did. It made no difference. I’d tried to go back several times.

When we were cartoons, I noticed something about the Villain costume Roman had made for me. It looked like…

It looked like Ja-  _ Deceit _ ’s. Apart from the fact that there was no yellow in mine, it looked _ scarily _ close to what Deceit wore. I didn’t have my regular eyeshadow under my eyes, and the outfit looked like a mix of what mine and Deceit’s looked like.

This was how he reminded me I didn't belong with them.

That I was still an outsider. A ‘Dark Side’.

I had the worst panic attack in three months after that video was over and I had time to think about it.

-

_ ‘Anxiety?’ _

I could hear them calling me, trying to summon me.  _ Leave me alone!! _ I wanted to scream. Roman had made it pretty clear in the last video, and our few encounters off-camera, that I wasn’t needed. First making me out to be the bad guy in the cartoon video, then, when I wasn’t expecting it- he had left me alone for about a week, no doubt trying to come up with a nickname I wouldn’t be able to refute, we got into an argument.

He said I should just go fade. 

That was what Deceit had said before I left.  _ No… before Paranoia left _ , I thought dryly. Paranoia was gone. I was Anxiety now.

And Roman, bringing up past memories, had left me wondering whether either of my identities had been good enough. For Thomas… or for this world.

So I didn’t show up to the video.

_ Why was being the antagonist so much harder when you care..? _

-

‘And a truckload of Bubba Gump Shrimp.’  _ What!? _ I had to confront Roman about this.

“Roman! Open the fu-” I remembered Patton’s room was right next to the princely side’s- “Open up!” He opened the door, looking slightly disheveled with his outfit wrinkled and hair messy. He quickly put a look of dramatic surprise and confidence on his face as he combed his fingers through his hair a few times. 

“Yes, my chemically imbalanced romance?” Our friendship of sorts had gotten less rocky since Accepting Anxiety.

I sighed. “Love the nickname, but  _ what!? _ ” I exclaimed, holding up the script and pointing to the accursed line. We had changed it after the end of the song, but the original line was still in the scripts.

“Oh, give me a break, Panic at the Everywhere, I was rushing to finish! And it rhymes,” he added smugly.

“You’re on fire today with the band themed nicknames- ah, no! I’m verbally attacking you for making me say that, not commending you on your nicknames!” I sighed. “Jeez..” 

-

“Hey, Princey!” I used my old line from one of our first Sanders Sides videos.

“Ah, hello Virgil!” Roman exclaimed! We were in the old theatre in the Imagination. Roman liked to come here a lot when he was feeling stressed; I would know, I can feel his stress. In fact, I could feel the negative feelings coming off of him in waves.

I frowned. “Roman, you okay?” I asked. His smile faltered. Ah, so he wasn’t.

But of course he wouldn’t let me know that. “Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?” Then a realization hit me. Wasn’t there supposed to be a Sanders Sides video today? I’d forgotten! Was that why he was upset? Was he upset that I’d forgotten? Did he think I didn’t care about him? Was he- 

I realized what I was doing, and cut off my train of thought. Cognitive distortion was what Logan had called it.

Then I spoke. “Roman, I can feel the negative energy coming off you. I don’t think you really are okay.” His smile faltered again, then came off his face completely, replaced by a saddened version of it.

“Virgil, am I…” he trailed off. “Would you ever… am I like Remus?”

I was shocked. Was this what was disturbing him? Who had said that?! “What? No you’re not! Remus is dirty-minded and destructive. He’s a literal trash-man. You’re kind, caring, and  _ real _ creative. Not any of that dirty shit Remus comes up with.” Roman chuckled at my language. I continued, “You’re  _ you _ .” 

I watched his face light up. I watched his eyes well up with tears. I felt him bend over to hug me (shut up, he’s the tallest side) and I felt myself hug him back. But it felt detached. It felt like I wasn’t really there. 

I started panicking. What was happening!? I tried to tell Roman, but it was like I wasn’t in control of my own body anymore. I was drifting away, away with the wind, I heard- I heard a voice?

-

“Virgilius? Paranoia? Vee! Wake up!” I bolted up out of bed to be faced with a stressed-looking Janus. I looked around, confused. Then I remembered everything that had happened in my dream.

“Cass discorporated me again, didn’t he?” I asked, my voice still scratchy. Janus nodded. “How long did it take to reform this time?”

“About two weeks,” the deceptive side answered. He helped me out of bed to go get some food. I was always hungry after re-forming, I’d noticed the last few times.

I tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach as my mind reviewed the contents of that weird dream that was fading from my mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated!


End file.
